Personal Reflection on Grace

Please bear with me I promise that I will get back to the story momentarily. I would guess that I am stalling to stay away from the pain!

 Since my writing is called “The Grace Papers” I suppose I should define what it is I am speaking about.  I had a Grandmother named Grace and I have a great niece named Bailey Grace. Obviously I am not writing about them. Though they both have fine stories that deserve to be told, but they certainly don’t deserve to be pulled into the pain of mine.

Throughout my life I have had some pretty weird ideas about grace. When were hyper-Pentecostal we used to hear people say “watch out! Don’t go too far with that grace message”.  People wrongly equate grace with sloppiness, or permissiveness, just like people wrongly equate Godliness with dress. I remember in about 1998 I began to be challenged by one of my good friends. 

I met Bill Finch in the summer of 1990. We were in Lewiston ID doing “Street Evangelism” on the weekends. Bill was walking the streets talking to young people about God’s love. He carried a guitar and occasionally sang a song as he walked the streets.  Bill and I became friends, we were (and still are) bound by commitment to Christ, honesty, and we shared a common experience of God miraculously reaching out to us to lead into the redemption story. Religious people don’t like Bill, but his friendship is dear to me. An intellectual even as a teenager we continually challenged each other with revelation and doctrine.

Years later Bill opened a coffee shop in Lewiston. People met in “Blackbird Java” in an informal setting called “the gathering”.  It was unlike any “church” that I had ever seen. What really impressed me was the transparency. Bill and the rest of the crowd were brutally honest. Openly speaking of sin they were struggling with.  Wow, if people told the truth like this in a traditional church setting they would be ostracized, and excommunicated.  But I found in honesty there is freedom!   

Judgment is a funny animal. Paul (who happens to be good friend of mine, because I have spent lots of time with him) said that we judge someone we do it because the same sin lives in us. As freedom becomes prevalent, I become a lot less likely to judge. It’s odd as it seems it would be the other way around. The more I walk in righteousness it would seem that I would have the right to judge. The opposite is true. Self righteousness is prideful, ugly and mean.

I don’t want to judge, I would rather love. I desire to look with the eyes of the Father, the eyes of Grace.

I learned this from Bill, or perhaps we learned it together.

Who is this King of Glory?

Why do geese fly south? Jim Rohn used to say “Because they are geese”. Geese have a genetic code built into them that assures that they will follow a certain pattern systematically. That is until weather patterns change then they observe another program or another is downloaded from an infinite divine source. A good friend of mine exclaims that everything is energy, and all energy has the divine built into it. Creation naturally moves in an ordained manner. Solomon in Ecclesiastes stated that “All the rivers flow to the sea, yet the sea is not full.”

Jesus exhorted us to consider the fowls of the air, and closely observe the lily. By doing these things we bring context to our lives in this respect. If God would clothe the lily, and feed the sparrows, will He not take care of you? He then declares that we should first seek the kingdom of God and all things would be added to us.

Throughout the years my faith has evolved with my theology, but there are many mysteries that remain. There is much that I don’t understand and probably at the forefront is the question of sin. One of my teachers once told me that sin is the result of unbelief. After a careful consideration of these words I would have to almost agree. (we will expound on that later) The mystery is “Why does man go his own his own way, while the rest of creation flows in the divine order. Why do geese fly south, beavers build dams, and yet a man beats his wife, children are abused, wars are fought.

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son of man, that thou visitest him?

For thou hast made him but little lower than God, And crownest him with glory and honor.



God has crowned man! He has made man in His own image with abilities that far exceed the rest of creation. The highest of all God’s creatures, struggles with power, and control. The third part of the brain the cranium is what really separates man from the rest of the kingdom. Here lies the ability to reason, to deduct and to record communication. As intelligence is rapidly expanded in man, so concern grows. Where is this all going? How will it all end up?

When I contemplate eschatology, and theory about the end of time as we know it I can become overwhelmed. When engaged in a conversation with those who believe a certain way, and gleefully have it all figured out, I often comment “when I figure out how to get the “in Christ” thing right, I will put some energy into the end times. So where is it all going? Only heaven knows, but a couple of things that I do know, I see through a glass darkly and God is good.

I have a hard time believing in a mad vindictive God. If that were the case, why did he show me such mercy?

Who is this king of Glory? He is the lord of Hosts!

Several weeks earlier

“People say I am no good, and crazy as a loon, cause I get stoned in the morning and get drunk in the afternoon… Preacher man talking on TV, putting down my rock and roll, wanting me to send a donation because he is worried about my soul! He said Jesus walked on the water, and I know that is true! Sometimes I think that preacher man wants to do a little walking too” The Charlie Daniels song blared as we cruised down I84 headed back to Pasco, or the Tri-cities as the area is known.

Now days I am fond of calling the area “the tri”, it kind of reminds me of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Back then I pictured myself as an “esoteric warrior”, well versed in all kinds of weird occultic stuff. My faith was so strong in these practices that I could watch birds, and use their actions as a radar detector. When birds flew a certain way I could tell that the police were ahead. You may think that I am crazy (or was) but I am telling you the truth.

We were in the Tri, staying at the Red Lion in Richland. I think I liked the hotel chain probably because the name vibrated out to certain numerological value or it reminded me of the Lion of the tribe of Judah. Anyway it was probably January the 15^th, we were in the room and I was reading Joani’s grandmothers Bible. As I thumbed through the pages I noticed in the front of the bible there was a page for important dates and I examined it more thoroughly. I saw that Joani’s Grandparents were married on January 19^th 1930. I suddenly had a sense that Joani and I were to marry on the same date in 1988. I told her that we were supposed to get married next Tuesday. In some fashion she agreed, I called her Dad and we went to Fred Myer to buy a wedding ring. I called her Uncle Glenn, the preacher who informed me that he would let me know the next day. When I got off the phone I told Joani if he would not agree we could fly to Vegas and get it done on the 19^th.  Glenn true to his word called me the next day and agreed to perform the ceremony. I had told him about the date, he let me know of a small problem. The state of Washington requires a marriage license be purchased three days before the ceremony. He already had a solution, we would marry on the 19^th before God, and we would come back on the 22^nd and redo our vows to make it legal “for man”. We agreed and began a whirlwind of activity to prepare for the ceremony.

I told Glenn that we wanted to get married bare foot, so that we would be “grounded”. He refused so we went to Umatilla, and had a tribal craftsman make moccasins for us. I wrote our wedding vows. I don’t remember everything, but I took out the part about Joani “obeying” me and I began the vows with “Having bathed in the light” The following is a paragraph taken from ‘A tribute to my Mother in Law”

We were married January 19, 1988 in Joani’s uncle Glen’s church. Now if that was not a site to see. In the midst of this Pentecostal Holiness setting were the bride and groom. We were wearing beaver skin moccasins crafted by a Umatilla tribesman as a compromise. We wanted to be married barefoot to be in contact with “mother earth”. When Pastor Glen refused we simply added iconic lore.  We carried gemstones and other esoteric paraphernalia, our vows were full of new age doctrine, dreamed up in a mildly hallucinogenic state of mind. Describing the gamut of the ceremony would lead us on another path, but I will say we had it all. Hippie, new age seekers, the elite religious “remnant” and Bob and Eloise, hard drinking two fisted small town urban cowboys. God must have been chuckling that odd day.

I am fairly certain that God chuckles on a regular basis. Jesus exhorted us, that when anxious to observe the complexity and the detail of the design in nature. We worry about things while claiming a relationship with the Creator God. We claim redemption, and His love while behaving in a contrary way. (One of my mentors would have said “don’t shout me down because I’m preaching real good!”)

That day in 1988 I married this beautiful woman, and I began to understand grace.  I am still only beginning to understand grace, because I like you “see through a glass darkly”.  I can declare to you that I am a believer. I believe in the Christ, this Jesus who is the son of the living God. I believe in the resurrection, because He lives in my heart. I believe in miracles, I am one.

Who is this Jesus?

A Greek word used throughout the New Testament, Karios indicates a specific or appointed time. In my life I had reached this place. Standing out beside that mailbox on Highway 26, I knew that I was lost. Spiritual pressure was intense, as I jumped into my vehicle and sped back down the dirt road to our house. I burst through the door of the ranch style house thinking about the events of the last few days.

I could remember only having one nightmare growing up. I had dreamed that I was walking down Third Street in Cheraw South Carolina. In the dream I was in front of a famous dwelling called the Lafayette House. As I walked down the sidewalk a huge bulldog jumped over the fence, chasing me very aggressively. In the dream I could not move my legs and I woke up terrified.

The day before the occurrence at the mailbox, I was in Portland. I had planned on helping a person in trouble. I was interrupted, by this mentioned dream that I had 20 years earlier! The dream used symbolism to speak to my situation then and there. As I reflected on the mind of God, I knew that my heart was to be His.

I ran through the house, I grabbed the Bible. I began reading aloud in a strong voice. I started calling on the name of Jesus. Joani came out of the bedroom, looking at me in wide eyed amazement. She said later that she thought that I had gone mad! I quickly grabbed all the books that I had with occultic content. Rushing to woodstove I hurled them into the blazing fire! I ran into the bedroom and grabbed a pie plate with a large quantity of uncut amphetamine. Joani protested but I was adamant, as I threw it into the fire! I told he “come on we are getting out of here!” When she asked where we were going I told her that I would not speak to here until we were on a church pew!  

We jumped into the Suburban and sped off toward our destiny! 

To God be all the Glory (If you are following read from the first post)

My whole purpose of writing this is to share the depths of Christ’s love.  I had fallen very deep. The things that I describe here are really the tip of the iceberg. I guess that I could “change the names to protect the innocent” but then what is the point? I want to share with you the truth, the truth of God's love for humanity. I heard my friend David Tucker say that God is really a dumpster diver. Now don’t get upset, he did not mean any disrespect, he was only illustrating how far God will go to save His children.  Considering that, have we really understood His investment, that He sent His own Son to the cross? Will He not with Him freely give us all things? I declare that I know this yet I may struggle with receiving His blessing. Obedience to the Father is good. I would encourage us all to obey, but I must struggle not step in with my humanity to attempt to replace his grace with my obedience. It is a poor exchange at best.

We were living on the mountain, Joani and I. We were into some bad stuff. Years before I had run into some people who were cooking meth-amphetamine. I started adding the numbers and I realized that this was the most profitable venture that I had ever seen, by far. The people that I was associated with were manufacturing a poor product. I hung around and gathered enough information to have an overview of the process. About a year later I went to a university library to successfully figure out the rest.

I was manufacturing a high grade pure product, so pure and clean that I was accused of getting it from a government lab. This knowledge of how to do this caused me to be in constant danger.  I could make more money in a week than most people make in year.  After attempted kidnappings and many near misses, I started believing myself to invincible. This along with the spiritual doctrine that I had developed made me particularly dangerous.

I pictured myself as an “esoteric warrior” as I was well versed in several of the occultist arts. I was a nut, that’s what I was. And as is often with people who are nuts I had a pretty good opinion of myself.  

Ever since that night with Joani’s uncle Glenn I had a gnawing feeling that God was not pleased with me. I also began to sense a call of God on my life. It was weird. Here I was manufacturing drugs, smoking pot all day, and living like a renegade. I began to see Him in everything. I had signs, subtle and blatant urging me to think about Him.

Joani had brought her Grandfathers’ Bible home with us. I had begun to casually read it. I would open it up, and let my eyes fall on the part of the page I felt like I was supposed to read.  Meanwhile things had started to get tense, with some strange happenings, one of which really had me own edge. We had not received any mail in like three weeks. No bills, no junk mail, nothing. This was beginning to bother me and in my mind I had an explanation. “The postal authorities were working with the DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency). They were trying to spook me and get me to move the lab. When I attempted to move it they would converge on me” I was beginning to get nervous to say the least.

Anyway one day I picked up that Bible and opened it up to the place between the Old and the New Testament. There was an insert with phrases written on it. One of the sayings was “You must abstain from Alcohol”. “That’s not in the Bible” I thought as my eyes wandered over the rest of the page. What I saw next put me over the edge. It said “you are either a child of God or a child of the devil”! I slammed the Bible shut, thinking “I am not reading that Bible anymore, some man put that stuff in there, and I am done reading that!”

Disturbed to say the least I jumped in the Suburban and headed down the dirt road, driving way too fast. I drove the half mile or so to the highway. I pulled over, jumped out and approached the large locked mailboxes. There were about a dozen boxes in the big aluminum cubicle. My heart was racing, indicting that somehow my being knew that something significant was going to happen to me. I opened our cubicle; I breathed a sigh of relief! I saw that we had mail in the box and somehow I was feeling the release of some of the pressure. I reached into the box. This box had no slot; the only way to put anything in it was to open it with a key.  I saw there was one lone item as I pulled it out. My heart began to race again; I noticed that this is no bill or letter.  It is a gospel track, one like the street preachers hand out down on skid row.

As I pull the folded paper out I notice that there is no address, and no postmark. “How did this get into the box” I thought. My eyes scanned the paper until I saw the words.

YOU ARE EITHER A CHILD OF GOD OR A CHILD OF THE DEVIL!!!